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in. The end of July and the whole of August were always slack
months, except for the planning and preparation for the next round,
which, by the look of it, would be a whole lot bigger than before.
So in the midst of the holiday period, the annual influx of children
playing on the village green, American tourists pacing the High
Street, the occupied tables in the gardens of The King s Head and
the scent of lavender and wild roses, Jamie had nothing to do
except think.
In the meantime, there was still his father to look after.
However, with the stair-lift installed, a ramp down into the kitchen
and a small washbasin in his father s room, life in the Chadwick
household seemed brighter than it had been before the older man s
collapse. Mary was still doing more than she needed to. Jamie
spent days trying to persuade her she shouldn t take on so much,
but she refused, saying she was their friend and it was the least she
could do. In the end, he had no option but to stop asking. It was
always vital to know when he was outmaneuvered.
Other things were changing, too, faster than he had imagined
and in ways he d never thought of before. Since the conference and
the conversation with Phil, Jamie had ventured into Colchester
once or twice and discovered that there were clubs he could go to
within easy reach of Limewater if he wanted to have a drink or a
dance with a bloke without anyone knowing. He hadn t gone
farther than some heavy kissing, though. He still didn t want to.
Because of Robert.
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He assumed one day that would pass, but he couldn t quite
grasp when that day might arrive. Neither did he feel gay. Not
really. No matter how much, during those first few weeks after the
conference, Jamie worried that he might start finding Barbra
Streisand or Judy Garland attractive, or even become convinced of
the delights of shopping for net curtains, it never happened. And
no-one suspected. How could they? Their minds were on other
matters.
The whole village, apart from Dad, now knew the reason why
Lucy and he had split, or thought they did, and were determined to
make their views known. Soon, Jamie realized, he would be
drowned by a sea of advice and concern, and might never be able
to swim to shore. In an attempt to divert everyone s attention from
the Chadwicks, he decided to act like an adult and face his ex-
girlfriend first. Something he should have done many, many weeks
ago.
* * *
He finally caught up with her at the front door after one of his
father s exercise sessions just as she was about to leave. She
wouldn t look at him, and Jamie couldn t think of how to start.
 Is Dad okay? he said at last, stuck for anything more suitable.
She nodded.  He s tired out. He s having a rest in the living
room.
 Okay. Look, Lucy, can you come into the dining room? We
need to talk, don t we?
 Yes, you re right. Oh, Jamie, I m so sorry.
Shushing her, he waved her into the dining room and shut the
door. They stood facing each other and, for a moment, Jamie didn t
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THE HIT LIST
know whether he should cry or shout. Looking at Lucy he thought
was like looking at another life he might have been able to lead.
Once. If she d allowed him to. A vivid picture of Robert took all
his sudden and ridiculous anger away. There was really nothing to
accuse her of, though knowing this didn t make it hurt any less.
Lucy spoke first.  Jamie, I wanted to say I m sorry about the
way you found out about David and me. Really I am. I was going
to tell you, but& 
 But what? His fingers gripped the nearest wooden chair and
he felt the grain imprint itself on his hand.
 But when I heard about your father, I just couldn t do it. I m
sorry.
That made sense.  Yeah, I see. I knew things weren t brilliant
with us, but I hoped they might come out right in the end. I did
once, anyway. I& 
Surprised to find he couldn t say any more, Jamie pulled out
the chair he was still holding and sat down. Lucy moved around
the table and did the same. Her hair swung over her face and she
brushed it aside. Again that faint scent of apples.
 Did you really? she said.  Think it would be okay in the end?
Because I thought after a while that& Never mind. It s too late
now.
 Yeah, I suppose so. But how long had it been going on before
I found out? The tremor in his voice threatened to betray him, but
he ignored it.
 Jamie, does that really matter? It s happened and I m sorry I
messed up, but& 
 We both messed up. It wasn t just you, and I m sorry, too. For
not paying you enough attention and for loads of stuff. He
couldn t name it, so carried on.  Humor me. Tell me anyway; it
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THE HIT LIST
can t hurt.
 Okay. She hesitated. When her next words came, they
weren t what Jamie had expected.  Since about Easter time.
 What?
Gaping at her, Jamie tried to bring his thoughts under control.
Three months? Heck, he had to admire her because he d had no
idea. Bloody hell. He rocked back on the chair. She talked on, as if
his question had unleashed a tidal wave.
 Yes, I m so sorry, she said, and now she was almost crying.
 David s so easy to talk to, and I never felt I could tell you things
like I could him. I always felt, still feel, you were keeping me at a
distance. That s why I thought it would be best not to be too
serious at the beginning. That and that other relationship I d had.
The one I couldn t talk to you about. I swear I did think once that
maybe you and I might be all right, but it wasn t for long. You
always seemed more at ease when you talked about Robert and
your work, that kind of stuff.
 I like you, Jamie, really I do. And I m so sorry I started seeing
David and then things happened. It was so surprising, for him and
for me, and I should ve told you, but I didn t trust feeling right
again with someone, so I took the coward s way out by pretending
it wasn t happening and would be okay. But it was hurtful. I know
that.
All the while, as she was speaking, Jamie patted her hand and
murmured soothing noises. As Robert had once done to try to
comfort him. Suddenly the whole thing seemed ridiculous. If only
Lucy had known what he d done, and, before he could stop
himself, Jamie found he was snorting with suppressed laughter.
 Jamie? Lucy looked up, her eyes still wet and a frown on her
face.
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THE HIT LIST
 Sorry, but it s funny, too, isn t it? God, who d live in the
twenty-first century? I mean, to be honest, here the two of us are.
We were supposed to be going out together, and all the while, you
were actually with David, and I& Well, I was with Robert.
Briefly. And then, when I wasn t, I wanted to be with him.
At once, the laughter was gone, as if it had never been there at
all.
 So I m sorry, too, Jamie said, looking her straight in the eyes.
 For how I behaved. I really do like you, Lucy, but I think that
when it comes down to it, I m gay and it never would have worked
out between us. Would it?
Just as when he d told the truth about himself to Mark, there
was a long silence. Or, most likely, it wasn t long at all. It simply
felt that way. Then Lucy began to smile.
 Ah, I see, she said.  I did wonder.
* * *
In the end, it had been okay with Lucy. Jamie and she had
talked, a lot, and it had been good. He felt as if he d gained a friend
when he needed it most. He hoped she felt the same. Damn it, he d
make sure she did.
The next day, however, his father entered the fray from a
perspective of ignorance. Which, when it came to it, was safer all
around.
 Now, Jamie, I m so pleased you and young Lucy have made it
up. I was getting worried about you, you know.
 What?
Looking up from the copy of the Financial Times that he d [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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